


Midnight Hour

by Jade92



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 18:55:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20140342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jade92/pseuds/Jade92
Summary: After Jay makes him see sense at the hospital, Ben finds himself back at The Square, feeling broken and with a bottle in hand. It's Callum who finds him.Reaction fic to todays episode - 6th August 2019.





	Midnight Hour

**Author's Note:**

> Based on spoilers, I wrote this earlier today after being awake at silly o'clock last night with the idea going around my head. Instead of letting me go to sleep and get a few hours rest before my early start at work, my brain thought it would be a great time for me to think all about Ben and Callum. 
> 
> This is mostly ramblings into Ben's current mindset more than anything else but Callum puts in an appearance which is more than we've been getting from Eastenders at the moment. With him being in earshot of Jay and Lola's conversation yesterday, I just had to write something off the back of it. In light of tonight's episode I've had to tweak bits to fit in with the storyline. I'm glad that Jay was so understanding tonight but I wish I'd known that earlier when I started writing this because I had to do a major rewrite there so thanks for that Jay! 
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s a strange quiet that falls over the Square at night. With the market shut down and the town’s residents all tucked into their beds, everything feels still, peaceful. In a way it’s comforting, Ben thinks as he lifts the bottle to his mouth and feels the cool liquid burn down his throat. He’s been sat here at the memorial benches for almost an hour now and he should probably be going home to bed too but he’s going to have a headache in the morning anyway from the hangover so he may as well have it from lack of sleep as well.

With the street lamps flickering overhead and the sign from the now closed chippie shedding light across the pavements, it’s not as dark as Ben would like and he’s long past believing that if he drinks enough he’ll be able to forget, but maybe if he sits here long enough he can make time stop for a while. It’s all been too much lately. From Paul’s anniversary, to his dad slowly pushing him out of the family businesses, to finding out he’s been replaced in his dad’s will by someone his dad has barely known five minutes. He’s been feeling like something is pressing onto his chest, the ability to breathe getting harder and harder. So when he saw his dad lying cold at the bottom of the car pit, he didn’t do what a normal person would do and call the emergency services. No, instead he saw it as a window of opportunity to frame Keanu and get him out of the way.

He chuckles to himself as he realises now how messed up that is, conscious of the sting of tears in his eyes. He had thought that with Keanu gone it would solve all his problems – his dad would realise how wrong he had been to put so much trust in him and Ben would have the chance to step in and prove himself. But then Keanu got arrested and instead of feeling like he had won a small victory, all Ben felt was hate. People still believed Golden Boy was innocent whilst they continued to point the finger at him. And it’s one thing to have the Square believe he’s to blame but it’s another to have his own family doubt him.

It’s Jay that opened his eyes. Not just best mates but brothers, Jay has always had his back. Through everything. Jay had been there when Heather died, stuck by him when he went to prison. Jay had supported him through everything his dad had thrown his way and accepted him when he learned of his sexuality. Jay had helped Ben accept himself too. It always came back to Jay. He was the one constant that Ben had in his life, the one person he could rely on. So when he had walked in on Ben with his hands around his dad’s breathing tube this afternoon, it was Jay made him stop and got him to see reason. He’d lashed out at first, punching Jay and being angry when he’d all but walked out on him. They’d fought and argued and Ben had tried to get him to understand but in the end it was Jay telling him he was wrong – that he had to stop wasting his energy on hatred.

Jay was right but he also didn’t like who Ben had become, said he disgusted him. Ben didn’t like who he was either. He could see himself through Jay’s eyes, through everyone else’s too. Sometimes he wanted to claw away at his own skin, get all the badness out.

When his dad had woken up, Ben swore to himself then that he was going to make his dad proud of him one way or another. _He_ was going to be better. _He_ was going to be good. But when his dad had asked who attacked him, Ben couldn’t help himself. He’d come this far after all. _Keanu_, he’d whispered and as he’d looked up his eyes had met Jay’s who shook his head in disbelief. Disappointed. He’d felt a pang of guilt then but he knew he had to ignore it. If he withdrew his statement all eyes would be on him. If he told the truth he’d be charged with perverting the course of justice. He wanted to do better, _be_ better, but he had no choice but to see this through first.

He’d returned to the Square hours later, drunk and hating himself, Jay’s words still on his mind and guilt eating away at him. Maybe turning to a bottle hadn’t been his best idea but he was emotionally drained, the hate he was now directing at himself eating away at him. Somehow he’d ended up here on this bench. He feels like he’s lost everyone; knows he’s pushed them all away. He wants to bring them back but he doesn’t know how. A large part of him understands it. He’s never been good enough. He’s always been the black sheep of the family. Most of the time he doesn’t want to be around himself either.

Understanding it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

There’s a very small, somewhat sane part of his brain that reminds him of his good points. He’s a good dad to Lexi, Jay had told him she idolises him, and he’d do anything for her. He’d put his life on the line for those who matter to him. He’s good at costume design – if his daughter’s bee outfit was anything to go by, he’s not too bad a cook and he’s pretty damn good in bed even if he does say so himself. But what are any of those things worth when held up against the bad? He’d attacked Jordan as a child, ironically enough, hitting him over the head with a spanner at the garage and watching as he fell into the car pit. He’d killed Heather in a moment of anger and fear. He had schemed and lied so many times over the years to get what he wanted. And now, this afternoon, he had stood over his father’s hospital bed, seen red and attempted to kill him.

What was _wrong_ with him? He feels like he’s spiralling sometimes, he just doesn’t know where the bottom is. He keeps thinking he’s been there, that things can’t possibly get any worst, and then he pushes firmly on the self-destruct button and he falls lower.

He’d been doing alright these past couple of years. He had lost Paul of course, grieved for him, felt a pain like no other, but then he had tried to move on with his life. He’d moved in with Jay, started to get his life back on track. It wasn’t until he’d got some distance between himself and Walford that he realised he hadn’t been holding himself together that well after all. With distance and too much thinking time, a new wave of grief caught up to him, as fresh and as strong as the last one had been and in an attempt to hold it back he’d busied his mind with other things. Things like his dad. Things like revenge.

He’d returned to the Square with a plan in mind – to cause as much damage to his dad’s life as he could, to knock him down a peg or two, to make him feel just a sliver of how he’d made Ben feel his entire life. But then his dad had started getting into his head again and Ben had opened up to the idea that maybe this time would be different. Maybe this time he could make his dad proud. But no sooner had it come, the carpet was being ripped out from under him once again and he was being reminded of how he still doesn’t measure up.

He thinks maybe he never will but he has to try.

His head gets louder with the noise. He’s worthless. He’s useless. He’s toxic. The list goes on.

There’s a loud _ping_ that disturbs the silent street and it startles Ben before he realises it’s his phone. He reaches into his pocket, half expecting it to be Lola despite it being the early hours of the morning. She’s been trying to get in touch with him all day. But it’s just a message from a guy two miles away. Ben sighs and puts his phone back in his pocket. He’s not interested in a hook up tonight. He’s not interested in doing anything other than sitting here and finishing this bottle.

He hears laughter up the street and looks up to see a young couple a short distance away. The man reaches out to who Ben assumes is his girlfriend, pulls her towards him and kisses her briefly before they continue on their way and out of sight. They look so happy, so carefree. Ben craves that. Simplicity. He hasn’t had simple in so long. He takes another swig from his bottle before hearing footsteps again. He assumes it’s the man and woman coming back, prepares himself to be tormented by the sight of their happiness, but he’s surprised to see that it’s Callum who rounds the corner. He’s _jogging_.

Callum sees him almost immediately and seems to falter before quickly recovering and slowing down as he gets nearer.

“Ben?” Callum asks, breathing heavily. “You ok?” Ben wants to laugh at the absurdity of the question. Callum is out _jogging_ at this time of night and he’s asking if Ben’s alright.

“I’m great, what’s it look like?” he responds. It’s sharper than he intends it to be. His default.

“Looks like you’re sat drinking alone.”

“Full marks for observance Callum. Well done.”

Callum sighs. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“Shouldn’t you be?” he retorts. “Tucked up all cosy with the beautiful bride to be?” He doesn’t mean to be cruel, has Jay’s words in his head again reminding him that people care, but it’s going to take longer than one night. 

“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d go for a run.”

“Callum, it’s the middle of the night.”

“I like the quiet,” Callum says. “It’s peaceful.”

He’s right, it is and Ben would agree but…..he’s not letting his guard down. Not for Callum. So instead he looks away and down at the bottle in his hands. He can feels Callum’s eyes on him and it’s starting to get uncomfortable.

“I’m worried about you,” Callum says, breaking the silence.

Ben freezes. He’s heard people say that so many times in his life, he’s heard it so many times _today_ and he wants to believe it. His head hurts so he goes with his standard response.

“No need. I’m fine.”

“Lola don’t think so.”

He whips his head up so fast it almost hurts. “What’s she said to you?”

“Nothing to me. I heard her talking to Jay earlier.” Creases in Callum’s forehead appear and he glances down at his shoes for a moment before his eyes are back on Ben. “You can talk to me you know. I know you’ve got a lot on with your dad at the minute.”

“I didn’t do it!” he shouts. It’s abrupt. He can hear how defensive he sounds, how guilty even though he’s not. He mentally scolds himself.

“I…...didn’t say you did.”

“Yeah, well everyone thinks it.”

“Since when did you care about what other people think?” Callum asks. Ben looks down at the bottle in his hands again. He’s always cared about what others think of him, he’s just good at pretending he doesn’t. Sometimes he’s so good he manages to convince himself. Callum shifts and then moves closer until he’s sitting down beside him on the bench.

“What are you doing?” he asks, looking up at Callum again.

“Just making sure you’re alright.” There’s no judgement in his eyes. Just concern.

“Why do you even care?”

“I don’t know,” Callum shrugs. “Just do.”

“Well you shouldn’t.”

Callum doesn’t respond to that. Just keeps his eyes firmly on him. It’s like he’s waiting and Ben can’t help but wonder whether he’d sit beside him all night if he were to ask. At what point would Callum give up like the rest of them? _Why_ hadn’t he _already_ given up like the rest of them? If he were to tell Callum his life story, he wonders at what point he would get up and leave. Jordan’s attack. Heather’s death. Framing Keanu. Trying to kill his dad this afternoon. Jay might stick around but they have a history to tie them together. He and Callum don’t. What reason would he have to stay? Callum doesn’t know him, not really, but he _sees_ him. It’s scary. Ben thinks he wants Callum to know all of him. It terrifies him.

“I am so messed up.” His own voice sounds foreign to him until he feels the sting of tears in his eyes again. He wonders if they’ve been there this whole time. “You’ve no idea how twisted…..how…..” but he struggles to find the right words.

“Then why don’t you tell me?”

He wants to. Callum’s being patient and Ben wants to tell him everything. Wants to tell him about today and framing Keanu and how he’s now embroiled in his own lie. Wants to tell Callum everything that’s going on now and everything that’s gone before. He wants someone to listen and to care and make things better even though he doesn’t deserve that. Needs someone who doesn’t doubt him, someone who won’t turn against him, someone who will stay. He’s got Jay, knows he should be happy with that, but Callum is different. Callum seems to have worked his way under his skin without even really doing anything. Callum is……Callum is _here_, and he really is looking at him as if he cares, and he wants to believe it’s true. It would be so easy to bare everything to Callum right now.

But he can’t. There’s so many reasons why he can’t. He thinks about the guy he met last year, the one he’d told Jay about this afternoon. Thinks about how normal he was, thinks about how he would have messed up. And in the same way Callum is good and kind. He’s sunshine on a cloudy day and at night he’s the stars. Ben could have fallen for the guy he met last year but it was too soon after Paul and he’d kept his distance. He doesn’t know how long he can keep his distance from Callum but he knows that to open up to him would be a slippery slope towards him falling head over heels. And he can’t do that, not just for Callum’s sake, not just to protect him, but to protect himself as well. Callum’s getting married in a few weeks. Falling for him won’t do him any good.

No. He can’t tell Callum anything. Not now.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says and it comes out quieter than he expected.

“Yeah it does,” Callum persists. “What do you mean?”

“Just forget it, alright?”

He’s on his feet then, swaying slightly as he tries to steady himself. He can’t do this. Has to push him away for both their sakes. He starts to walk away – _has_ to get away.

“Ben!” Callum calls after him but he’s not following.

He feels a twinge somewhere inside, something that makes him want to turn around but he can’t. He has to keep walking forwards. One more look at Callum and he’ll cave. He has to pick up the pieces of his own mess. Maybe Callum would stay for a short while, maybe he would help Ben put the pieces back together, but that’s not a risk he’s willing to take.


End file.
